please stop interrupt when im explaining something to you

By Diana Diamond

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About this blog: So much is right — and wrong — about what is happening in Palo Alto. In this blog I want to discuss all that with you. I know many residents care about this town, and I want to explore our collective interests to help ...  [More]

About this blog: So much is right — and wrong — about what is happening in Palo Alto. In this blog I want to discuss all that with you. I know many residents care about this town, and I want to explore our collective interests to help do the right thing. My goal with this blog is to help the public better understand what really is happening, and more important, how residents living here may be affected by these local decisions. I've been a journalist most of my life, first as a reporter and then managing editor of a Chicago newspaper, followed by a wonderful year at Stanford as a recipient of Knight Journalism Fellowship. I then went to the San Jose Mercury as an editorial writer and columnist. I also worked for the State Bar of California as the first editor in chief of "California Lawyer" magazine, and then spent a decade at Stanford involved in public issues affecting the university. In the late 1990s, I sequentially wrote columns for all three local newspapers here in Palo Alto. Born in a small community on Long Island, I attended Middlebury College, graduated from the University of Michigan, got married, had four boys in four years, and then started working. I moved to Palo Alto in 1979, and have been involved in the community on several nonprofit boards.  [Hide]

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Some people are shy. They don't talk much. Some people like to talk; some love to talk, and talk, oftentimes without seemingly coming up for a breath of air. Some people usurp air time. Some just love to hear their own voice. So, this brings up the issue of interrupting someone who is speaking. Rude? Impolite? Necessary? Depends what part of the country you are from. I grew up in a small suburb, about an hour's ride from New York City. It's an area where people talk fast, and also feel culturally free to interrupt someone who is speaking. Some just add a short comment, others take total control of the airtime. It's also a part of the country where I realized as I grew up that people loved to discuss, argue, question and occasionally deliberately provoke others. That all meant people were involved and having a good time. It's just the way things worked there. I remember my mother's voice was strong and distinct [alas, a gene I did not inherit.] At parties, her voice stood out, and she could overtalk anyone else who was speaking. My father-in-law, who grew up in the Midwest, talked very very s l o w l y. It would take him two minutes to say what New Yorkers could do in seconds. I was polite when he talked, but it was hard. Just get to your point, I would think. Here in northern California, we seem to have two unwritten rules: 1] do not interrupt, 2] try to say only nice things. I unconsciously break those rules most of the time. For example, I have this one friend who also talks slowly. And when I think he's through and I start to speak, he says, unbroken by my thought, "But also, remember..." I guess I just haven't got the interruption timing right yet, even after years of living here. On the other hand, those who talk and talk and usurp all the airtime are a problem for me. What entitles them to routine lengthy monologues? Is s/he a narcissist? selfish? self-centered? failing to realize the air time s/he takes? Or am I the problem because I'm rude? demanding? unfairly stealing time from another? or even violating that person's right to the floor? I guess there are no right or wrong answers here -- it just depends which side of the fence you are on, how you were raised, and when your conventional style clashes with another's. I have a relative who calls with an opening "I need to tell you about ... " He does, nonstop, for at least 25 minutes, then finally asks, "How are you doing?" "Well," I say and he interrupts with a "Oh, it's 4:30 already and I have an important call I need to make right now." I once confronted him on his monologues, and he responded, "Well, I get passionate about what I'm working on." My problem is his passion is not my passion. If h he gave five-minute summaries, I would be more enthused. In a recent NYT Sunday column, "In Real Life, Not All Interruptions Are Rude," Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, a native New Yorker, and the inspiration for this blog, presented a positive spin on these interruptions, calling the practice, "cooperative overlapping." One former New Yorker told Tannen that when he moved to California, he had to try hard to stay with the conversation because some people were talking so slowly! Same is true for me when a person goes on and on. My attention wanders. Interruptions can add to a conversation, she said, because not only does it fuel thoughtful fires, but it is also letting the speaker know that not only are you listening, but also provide him with another idea to consider as he moves forward. Ever have a conversation with someone who doesn't say a word, nor nod his head, nor volunteer a quick response? I think that maybe she doesn't listen, or worse, even care about what I am saying. As Tannen said her preference is to gently say, "Don't just sit there, please overlap, cooperatively." Tannen made a couple of other observations, based on her studies: • Some people think the interrupters and talkers are dominating the conversation, while those who talk a lot think the others are choosing not to join in. • People are afraid of awkward pauses in a conversation. Some talkers admit they keep on talking to avoid the pauses. • Men interrupt more than women do. [I could write a whole column on this!] Women who have worked in corporate offices complain that men don't listen to them as much as to other males at the same meeting. One friend told me she was at a company board meeting and made what she thought was a very important point, and no one responded. About 15 minutes later, a man in the room made the exact same point. Other males replied, "That's a great idea, Tom! We should absolutely do that." She blurted out with, "But I made the same point 15 minutes ago!" She wasn't invited to any more board meetings. Other female friends of mine quickly agree the same thing happened to them. So, we still have a lot more to learn about talking interrupting and listening. Tannen suggests that if you feel interrupted, just keep on talking. But she also says, "Don't interrupt" can be a reasonable request, but also it's great to suggest a person not just sit there -- "Please overlap -- cooperatively."

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Posted by Resident, a resident of Midtown,
on Oct 9, 2021 at 4:05 am
Resident is a registered user.

Nice topic, I have thoughts about this constantly, because I'm usually *thinking* and *doing* rather than *talking*. What disappoints me is the low level of discourse from "talkers". People who run their mouth all the time will create cliques, talk about "current events" based on nonsense news headlines, then it becomes a long vapid conversation that never needed to happen in the first place, taking time from other things that actually matter, then they'll go and and on about a low-level topic sucking up all the oxygen and oblivious to how much they're overtalking, and its generally worthless small talk and banter, at best humorous and at worst terribly distracting and unsettling. It is so important to keep the noise out and focus more on books, articles and substantial discourse, and the rare intelligent conversation you may have with someone which is really hard to find.

Then again I'm introverted to a fault and if I had my way no one would say anything at all, it would keep my mind clean. Silence is golden

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You shouldn't interrupt. Yes, from an early age, you're reminded that cutting people off when they're speaking is rude.

But, let's face it -- there are times when you need to stop someone mid-sentence. Maybe he keeps citing an incorrect fact or statistic that you think needs to be remedied immediately. Or, perhaps you have a question about something that was just said.

Situations like these can be tricky to navigate. You want to chime in while the moment is right. But, at the same time, you don't want to seem inconsiderate.

Fortunately, there are a few helpful tactics you can use to interrupt someone -- without seeming like a conversational steamroller.

What it looks like: "Can I interrupt for a moment?"

One of the best ways to speak up when someone else is already talking is to explicitly ask for permission to do so.

Not only is it a good way to gauge whether or not you're making a contribution at a decent time [there's nothing worse than making someone lose their train of thought!], but it also acknowledges the fact that you're interrupting -- so you don't seem like you just weren't listening.

What it looks like: "I'm really sorry for interrupting, but..."

Even if it's necessary, you're likely still going to feel uncomfortable cutting someone off -- regardless of the circumstances. So, why not apologize right off the bat?

Again, prefacing your interruption with something like this recognizes the fact that you know that you're committing a communication faux pas. Used sparingly [as with any of these tactics, no phrase will give you an excuse to interrupt constantly!], it will allow you to speak up without seeming condescending.

What it looks like: "While we're on that topic..."

Interruptions aren't inherently bad -- in fact, sometimes they can make the discussion even stronger. But, when they lead a conversation totally off track? They're bound to annoy the person who was talking, as well as anyone else participating in that chat.

So, before chiming in, make sure that your interruption is relevant to the point that's being discussed. If not? You're better off waiting until that person is finished.

That way, you can be sure to contribute to the conversation at hand -- rather than detract from it.

What it looks like: "Would you prefer that we hold our questions and suggestions until the end?"

Sometimes, no matter how many clever tactics or phrases you utilize, an interruption will never be perceived as polite. When someone is in the middle of a presentation, for example, speaking up will only serve to make you look rude.

This is why it's so helpful to set common expectations from the beginning. Before that person gets started, ask what he or she would prefer.

Some people enjoy when others chime in at random moments, as it takes some of the pressure off. But, others prefer that you hold your contributions until the end. Make sure you're in the loop on that specific person's wishes, and you'll be able to adjust your own approach accordingly.

In an ideal world, you'd be able to avoid ever having to interrupt. But, sometimes it's necessary. Use one [or a combination of!] these four tactics, and you'll be able to speak up in a way that's polite and professional.